


Turn to You

by CongressIsAliens



Series: Perryshmirtz Week 2020 [4]
Category: Phineas and Ferb
Genre: (that I can't find :/), Bad Pick-Up Lines, Based on a Tumblr Post, Cuddling & Snuggling, Fake/Pretend Relationship, Fluff, Human Perry the Platypus (Phineas and Ferb), M/M, both relationships are tagged for a reason, but it's mostly just, but like...sorta?, there's a weird lil bit of angst at the end, this is def shippy tho
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-22
Updated: 2020-10-22
Packaged: 2021-03-08 22:00:06
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,784
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27103846
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CongressIsAliens/pseuds/CongressIsAliens
Summary: Instead of the usual scheme, Perry has to pick up a loopy Heinz from the dentist’s office.Which wouldn’t be so bad, except loopy Heinz thinks they’re dating.
Relationships: Heinz Doofenshmirtz & Perry the Platypus, Heinz Doofenshmirtz/Perry the Platypus
Series: Perryshmirtz Week 2020 [4]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1974490
Comments: 28
Kudos: 173
Collections: Perryshmirtz Week 2020





	Turn to You

**Author's Note:**

> Day 4: There For You/Lean on Me
> 
> so i was looking for the post that inspired me, the Perryshmirtz fremergency fronfract au thing, but I couldn't find it. If anbody has a link to that, definitely send it along to me. 
> 
> Also: Title from [Turn to You](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rPGRnwfGIf4) by the Go-Gos.

Perry slides down the chute into his lair, landing on the red seat in front of the screen.

At least, he attempts to. In reality, the chute drops him two feet behind the seat.

“Sorry, Agent P,” Carl says from the screen. Perry picks himself up off the ground and sits down in the seat, brushing off his clothes and levering his famous unimpressed look towards the intern.

“The tube maintenance guy got mad at Major Monogram and decided to mess with the agents,” Carl explains. “I know, I know, it isn’t fair to you guys, but that’s the way it goes.”

Perry quirks one eyebrow. Speaking of the Major, where is he?

“You must be wondering why I’m here and the Major isn’t, huh?” Perry nods. “He’s actually at the dentist right now, so he said I could give you your mission. Pretty cool, right? I’ll be a commander in no time! Anyway, your mission today is…” Carl reads the paper in front of him, squinting at the lines.

“It looks like Doctor Doofenshmirtz is getting his wisdom teeth out- and he’s put _your_ name down for his contact.”

What?

Perry must show his confusion, because Carl laughs nervously. “Charlene is out of town, I think, and Vanessa isn’t of age yet, so she can’t legally do it either. That leaves you and Roger, and we all know how Doctor Doofenshmirtz feels about the mayor.”

Well, that’s fair. Heinz doesn’t exactly have a lot of friends to help him out. He has...well, he has Perry. That’s pretty much it.

“I’m sending the address to your watch, all you have to do is swing by there at three-thirty. Other than that, you’ve got the day off, Agent P.”

The screen blinks off.

Huh. An actual day off. Except for the whole picking-Heinz-up thing, of course. But it’s still a day off, and he hasn’t had one of those in _forever_.

The pile of paperwork in the inbox on his desk is almost three inches thick, but the temptation of an actual day (or even just a few hours) off beckons him even more.

He’ll actually get to spend time with his niece and nephews, which he hasn’t been able to do in forever. He hates to miss Phineas and Ferb’s inventions, and Candace calms down somewhat when he’s around to provide supervision.

In fact, the longer he thinks about it, the more his mind is made up. He can take a little while to be Uncle Perry, for once.

He exits his lair, taking his hat off and rounding the corner of the house, coming face-to-face with Phineas.

Well, not quite. Even though Phineas has gone through a growth spurt recently, he’s still a few inches shorter than Perry.

Although that’s not exactly much of an accomplishment. Perry is only five foot four, after all.

“Oh, hey there uncle Perry,” Phineas says. “Going to work?”

Perry shakes his head. _Day off today. I have to pick a friend up from the dentist’s later, but other than that, I can spend the day with you guys._

Phineas’s face lights up. “Awesome!” he cheers, grabbing Perry’s wrist and towing him into the backyard. “Today we’re gonna build a giant waffle maker...”

* * *

Several hours and a disappeared giant waffle maker later, Perry sits in the driver’s seat of Linda’s station wagon, waiting for the light on Olive Street to change.

Usually, if something involved his nemesis, he’d be loath to borrow the family car, but he has a feeling that Heinz won’t be in any shape to add a self-destruct button.

Besides, his motorcycle wouldn’t exactly be apt for this job. And Linda insisted, saying that he should stay as long as his friend needs him.

It’s actually quite refreshing to not have to blatantly lie to his family. This one might not even be a full lie- it’ll just be a half truth. Heinz is his friend, that’s for certain. He’s also Perry’s nemesis, but the Flynn-Fletchers don’t need to know that.

Three minutes later, Perry pulls into the parking lot, somehow manages to park between the lines on the first try (he’s not very good at parking a normal car), and heads into the office.

The receptionist greets him cheerfully. Without looking up from her keyboard, she asks what he’s here for.

Perry passes over his notepad, where _Perry Fletcher, here to pick up Heinz Doofenshmirtz,_ is written in his neat handwriting.

Most agents have absolutely atrocious handwriting. Some claim it’s so that secret notes are harder to decipher (to which Perry just says _use a code already, we’re not in the stone ages here_ ). Others just admit they don’t care.

It’s a bit more important for Perry to have good handwriting. It makes communication with everyone so much easier.

For example, the receptionist now staring at him through her cat-eyed glasses. “He’ll be out in a few minutes,” she says. “They’re just finishing up back there, you can just wait here. Oh, and sign these forms.”

Perry gives a thumbs-up and sits down in one of the chairs around the small waiting room with a neon-pink clipboard. There’s two other people waiting, a teenager and their mom. He finishes the paperwork in record time (it’s eerily similar to one of OWCA’s medical forms, to the point where he has to stop himself from putting his agent number in the date line), then he sits back and waits.

Thankfully, he doesn’t have long to wait before Heinz, accompanied by a dental assistant, enters the waiting room.

“Perry Fletcher?” the assistant calls out. Perry stands up with a little wave of acknowledgement.

“I just need to warn you, before you take him-”

Heinz interrupts her. “ _Pe_ rry, you came!” He exclaims, walking over to hug Perry. “I love you,” he says into Perry’s sweater, although it’s somewhat mangled by whatever they’ve put in his mouth, so it sounds more like “Ah lombve yul”.

“You’re the best boyfriend ever,” he says, and Perry’s eyes go wide.

What? Perry can feel his face heating up, despite his best efforts to keep his emotions under control. (What, he was blindsided. It’s not like he was _expecting_ Heinz to think they’re boyfriends.)

“Oh, I didn’t realize you two were, um, involved…” the receptionist says. “We have a, um, section on the forms for that…”

Perry shakes his head, making a cut-off motion with his hand. They’re not together, no matter how much Perry actually wants them to be.

“-He’s a bit loopy,” the assistant finishes, rather belatedly. “It should wear off after a good night’s sleep.”

Oh well. Perry’s had to deal with all sorts of things in his career as an agent. He can handle a loopy evil scientist. Even if said loopy evil scientist thinks they’re boyfriends.

 _Anything else I need to know?_ Perry asks, trying his best to support Heinz and sign at the same time.

When both the receptionist and the assistant stare blankly, he sighs and sits Heinz down in one of the chairs in the waiting room. He pulls out his notepad and writes down his question.

“Oh, yeah, here’s directions for him on taking care of his mouth, ” the assistant says, handing the notepad back along with a packet of information. She smiles sympathetically. “Good luck.”

Perry gives the assistant his best _thanks, I’ll need it_ smile, puts the papers up in his hat, then gets Heinz’s attention. _C’mon, let’s go._

“Okay,” Heinz says brightly, and he follows Perry without any further incidents.

It still takes a while for Perry to maneuver Heinz into the passenger seat of Linda’s station wagon. Heinz keeps wanting to go chase after the pigeons in the lot, and it’s only Perry’s experience in wrangling his niblings that finally gets him in the car.

He’s uncharacteristically quiet for a few moments, until Perry pulls out onto the main road.

Then he starts talking again, and _everything_ he says manages to make Perry blush.

Loopy Heinz has no filter. Perry was expecting that, since it’s not like normal Heinz has much of one anyway. But loopy Heinz who thinks Perry’s his boyfriend?

To put it plainly, Perry had no idea that so many science related pick up lines existed.

“You must be a fossil, because I love dating you.”

“Are you made of copper and tellurium? Because you’re Cu-Te.”

“The two of us go together like hydrogen and oxygen.”

By the time they’re halfway to Doofenshmirtz Evil, Incorporated, Perry feels like his face is about to spontaneously combust. And that’s no small accomplishment- Perry _never_ lets his emotions show.

In fact, he’s only allowing this right now because Heinz is looped out of his mind on whatever they sedated him with, and he won’t remember it.

Right? Hopefully. He hasn’t read that packet the dentist’s assistant gave him, Heinz might actually remember all of this.

That might make their next few interactions a bit weird. Especially because things like this don’t exactly come out of nowhere…But that’s almost too much to hope for.

Thankfully, Heinz takes a break from spouting off cheesy pickup lines to get distracted by a smoothie restaurant.

“Ooh, ooh, Perry, can we get smoothies?” he asks excitedly, tugging on Perry’s sleeve.

 _I was given orders to take you straight home,_ Perry signs as they wait at a red light. That’s not _quite_ true, but he doesn’t want to deal with this whole catastrophe more than he needs to.

“Pleeeease?”

_Straight home. No stops._

“Then we can just go through the drive-thru,” Heinz says brightly. “We don’t have to stop!”

_You’re high and I’m mute. That’s an exceptionally bad idea._

“But...please?”

The light turns green. Perry keeps his eyes ahead, focusing on the road while he signs _no_ with one hand.

“Aw. You’re no fun at all.” Even without looking, Perry can practically hear the pout in Heinz’s voice. He reaches out and pats Heinz’s hand sympathetically.

Really, he shouldn’t be surprised when Heinz takes his hand and holds it, like they’re an actual couple.

But he is. His breath catches, and he can feel his blush even in the tips of his ears. At this point, you could probably fry an egg on his face.

Thankfully, Heinz remains oblivious as always. He keeps spouting off random science-related pick up lines, though, so Perry is left wondering how exactly Heinz came to the conclusion that they’re dating.

He would be lying if he said he didn’t enjoy this, the strange domesticity of it all. But it feels wrong. Heinz doesn’t know what he’s doing.

At least he can pretend, right? Just for today, he can go along with Heinz’s scheme.

(Is it a scheme? It might as well be.)

Perry parks in the parking garage of Doofenshmirtz Evil, Incorporated. It takes a while to get Heinz _out_ of the car, since he’s become fascinated with the radio, and even longer to get him up into his apartment. Even then, Perry has to promise to stay for a while to even get him in the door.

He sets Heinz down on the couch, turning the TV onto the channel where their favorite soap opera is (thankfully) having a marathon.

Perry pulls the packet of information out of his hat and looks it over. It’s a massive wall of text.

There’s no way Heinz will read it when it’s like this, not with his attention span. Heck, even _Perry_ can barely read it.

And since he wants to get back to their usual routine of thwarting and face-punching, he decides to read it himself and make a new list for Heinz to follow. (Okay, okay, and he cares about Heinz too. But he tells himself that it’s mostly the nemesis thing.)

He takes his notebook out and reads through the packet, writing down the most important things in a simple list. Once he’s done, he rips the page out and tapes it to the coffeemaker. (He figures it’s the most likely place for Heinz to see it.)

 _I should go,_ Perry signs once he’s done. _Make sure you get some sleep, okay?_

Heinz reaches out, almost startlingly quick, and grabs Perry’s wrist. “Stay? Please?” he asks, and Perry’s heart melts.

The things he does for his nemesis.

He nods. He can stay. Just for a bit. He sits down on the sofa next to Heinz, leaving enough space between them so he can pretend they’re just friends.

“You’re the best boyfriend ever,” Heinz says, and god dammit, Perry is really tired of blushing. It’s not his fault that he thinks Heinz is cute...and it’s _definitely_ not his fault that Heinz thinks they’re boyfriends. So why can’t he control his own dang emotions?

Heinz smiles, curling up into Perry’s side. “I love you,” he says, wrapping his arms around Perry in a way that’s highly reminiscent of a trap. A trap that -for maybe the first time ever- he never wants to escape.

Despite the very professional side of his brain absolutely freaking out at this close contact, Perry puts an arm around Heinz’s shoulders. There, now Heinz is trapped _too_.

He justifies it to himself by saying that he’s just doing a favor for a friend. If said friend thinks they’re dating, then who is he to deny this sort of thing? Besides, Heinz is surprisingly cuddly and warm and...is he _purring?_

Well, he did live with ocelots for a while. It would make sense. And it’s rather adorable.

Heinz shifts a bit, murmuring something that Perry can’t quite make out. He’s already mostly asleep, and Perry can’t blame him. He’s probably still under the effect of the anesthetic, and sleeping it off is the best way to get it out of your system.

Watching Heinz sleep is making Perry tired, and he really wishes that he could take a nap too.

Although Heinz is warm and cuddly, and he hasn’t really had much in the way of sleep lately (why do evil scientists always insist on operating by night?), so Perry’s resolve isn’t exactly at its strongest.

Before he can really consider all the pros and cons of what he’s doing, he’s leaning into Heinz’s embrace and letting himself drift off. Just a few minutes can’t hurt.

Some time later, Perry opens his eyes to find orange light casting shadows all over the room. The TV is playing some sort of infomercial for liquid drywall. Whatever that is.

How long was he even asleep?

Checking his watch, Perry realizes that it’s going on seven PM. Nearly three hours. He should _definitely_ get back to the Flynn-Fletcher house.

As gently as possible, he extracts himself from Heinz’s sleepy grasp. (God, he’s practically an octopus. A very cuddly octopus. That purrs.)

Unfortunately, Heinz (vaguely) comes to just as Perry is about to leave. “Where’ya goin’?” he mumbles, still half asleep.

 _I have to go home,_ Perry signs.

“Aw, okay. Wait, where’s my kiss?”

Perry sighs. This man is going to be the death of him. He turns and places a feather-light kiss on Heinz’s forehead. At least this way, he can pretend it’s still platonic.

Unfortunately for him, Heinz pouts. “No, a real one. Like this,” he says, sitting up and pulling Perry down into a real, actual kiss.

Perry freezes. Goddammit, he _really_ wants to enjoy this. The kiss, the cuddling, the whole boyfriends thing. All of it.

But Heinz is loopy. He’s under the influence of something (Perry knows a lot of things, but the different types of anesthetics are beyond him), so it would be wrong for him to enjoy this. Heinz obviously doesn’t know what he’s doing. He can’t consent to _any_ of this.

So Perry pushes him back down, trying his best to hide how much it hurts to push him away.

Heinz pouts. “Perry? Is something wrong?” he asks, genuinely worried.

 _You’re still healing,_ Perry signs. That’s true, at least. He doesn’t need to flat-out lie, he can just...strategically omit certain things.

Like the fact that they’re not dating right now, they’ve never dated, and unfortunately, they likely never will.

Today was probably the closest they’ll ever come, and he couldn’t even enjoy it.

“Aw, ok _a_ y,” Heinz says.

 _Try to go to sleep early, okay?_ Perry signs as he moves to leave. _And take a few days off to take care of yourself._

“Okay, okay,” Heinz says, and that’s probably about as good as it’s going to get, so Perry smiles. “Good night. I love you.”

Perry smiles. _I love you too_ , he signs, almost surprised at how easy it is to say.

If only Heinz knew how much of a confession that really was.

**Author's Note:**

> I get my braces off a week from today (:D), so this particular fic is rather appropriately timed. At least, for me. 
> 
> Comments and kudos always appreciated!


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